why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
