The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i came on her dog
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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