I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
