I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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