so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
