and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize