alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
