I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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