HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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