I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
