Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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