I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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