My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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