you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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