Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
