dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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