I am midnight drunk by noon
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize