Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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