Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
