yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This show inspires me to have sex in space
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
