I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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