I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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