Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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