Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
