The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
