he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
