all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
