I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
