Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
