if you like me you must not know who I am
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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