Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
