Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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