just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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