I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
