dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
