nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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