uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
not ubering you a puppy
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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