Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
