he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
