sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She bit a glass in half.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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