i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
