Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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