I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
