I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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