The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
