So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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