Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
