Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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