I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
