I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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