well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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