I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
