i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
