You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
