I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
