I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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