I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
