Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
