did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
