I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We don't watch enough power rangers
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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