What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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