Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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